A beautiful photo of a girl and her horse. But look a little closer. All is not as it seems.
This is a younger me and my first dressage horse, Odin. He was and will always be the most naturally talented horse I have owned. I bought him when he was 10 and schooling Third Level dressage. I flew to Toronto, tried him out and took video back to my coach. In my trial ride, he had way more movement than I was used to riding and the dressage saddle didn’t provide the kind of support I was used to. Nonetheless, he was a good boy. The trainer suggested that I take him for a hack around the hay field and, when a bird flew up beside us, he took a hop sideways and stopped. I figured that if that was the extent of his reaction, he would be a good horse for a beginner dressage rider. I was horribly wrong.
As soon as we got him home to Alberta and to my coach’s stable (shipped by a professional transport), we could see that the horse I tried out was not the horse I got. We suspected that he had been drugged on the day of my visit. In retrospect, I should have paid more attention to the pre-purchase vet exam, when the vet wrote that he could get a bit ‘worried’, especially when dealing with his hind end. But since that was not what I had seen, I disregarded this information. But the marks from his hooves eight feet up on the wall in his stall spoke loudly about his worry. Luckily, my coach was a brave and very experienced horse person and was able to deal with Odin until he settled into his new home.
My coach’s most experienced student was the one who began riding Odin and she could bring out the sheer talent and ability in him. He didn’t trot, he floated. With her in the saddle, he showed us what he was capable of. The student would start Odin and then I would climb aboard and feel what she had created. It was something that I couldn’t have imagined feeling. Power, grace, beauty.
But Odin’s athleticism also meant that he was very quick to spook at things. The light coming in from the windows in the arena, the chairs in the corner, someone standing in the gateway into the arena. I only came off once, then learned how to hang on until he settled himself. This was by no means fun, but I was driven by my determination to connect with, and dance with, this beautiful creature.
Slowly, I learned and got more comfortable riding Odin. But I was always wary and he could feel it. This is what the photo also captures. I remember when the photographer took that photo. I was trying to connect with Odin up close and personal but in my mind I was muttering something like “how I wish I could trust you.” And here is what is not right in the photo. See the chain attached to the lead shank that goes over his nose? That is a ‘stud chain’ - an accepted and often used piece of tack to help control an unruly horse. If the horse walks calmly beside you, the chain doesn’t come into play. But if the horse gets excited or unruly, a quick jerk of the lead shank makes the chain bite into the horse’s nose and they quickly learn that they must settle. I always used a stud chain when leading Odin, just in case.
I persevered through lessons with Odin for 8 years before finally giving up on my dream horse. I never really got the courage to canter him much as that is what I was doing the one time he bolted and I fell off. (Being a highly trained horse, his bolt meant that I lost control but he kept running in a circle!) My coach took him over with the intention of allowing more advanced students to ride him, but she quickly lost interest in him and Odin was turned out to pasture. When this coach retired, she euthanized him along with some of her other horses.
What do I know now that I wish I would have known then? Everything that I have learned about trauma. How it lives in the body, how to co-regulate another nervous system, how to find regulation in myself first. You see, the clues were there all along, I just didn’t know how to read them.
Odin had an old, healed wound on his right hind leg. I was told that he already had it when he was imported into Canada as a three year old. It was nasty looking because the skin did not heal smoothly over the wound. In the pre-purchase exam, the vet wrote that it was an ‘old scar medial side of cannon, calcification medial cannon, occurred as a youngster, non-active, non-painful.’ And it did not affect Odin’s gaits. He was sound so the scar was not an issue. The report concluded that the scar was ‘old and non-active and is just cosmetic.’
But the vet also commented that Odin was ‘okay to deal with, but did get a little worried when working with hind end/feet.’ That should have been a big red flag for me. A sign that he had a trauma memory of whatever happened to that leg and how it was treated. Evidently not bandaged and dealt with properly because of how the scarring ended up. And if this happened and had healed before he was imported as a three year old, this wound happened to a very young horse. It is entirely possible, maybe even probable, that the wound and its improper wound care were responsible for Odin’s hypersensitive nervous system and his dislike of being touched and poked around his rear end and feet.
If I had known then what I know now, I could have spent way more time working with Odin on the ground instead of trying to ride him. I could have helped him to relax by being calm in my own body. I could have taught him what true ‘connection’ to another nervous system really feels like and how that leads to trust. I could have used my Somatic Experiencing Touch skills to help work through the bound trauma energy in that old, scarred wound. I could have taught him how to connect energetically to me as I walked calmly beside him. I could have ditched the stud chain.
Maybe it would have made a difference and maybe it wouldn’t have. I will never know. There are many things in life that we don’t get to do-over. We learn from our experience and move on. It makes me very sad to think that I failed Odin, but I just didn’t know any different.
Maya Angelou said ‘Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.’ I take all I know about trauma and trauma healing into every interaction I have with my horses. That is what has enabled me to bring such a measure of healing to Diva’s nervous system. That is what allows me to catch Ella every day, when she used to be notorious for being unable to be caught when she lived at the stable where I took lessons. And this is what gives me the courage to stand calmly when my current dressage horse’s natural inclination is to rear when she is excited. Because I do get a second chance to have a very talented, beautiful dressage horse.
Faraona will be my last dressage horse. She is even more beautiful than Odin was. Maybe not such an extravagant mover, but she is so much fun to ride. However, she also has an excitable nervous system and she challenges me many days. But I don’t need a stud chain.
Humans can also have the chance to do-over. Whether it’s trauma from an accident of some kind, medical trauma, birth trauma, or long-term developmental trauma from a less-than-optimal upbringing, Somatic Experiencing can help heal the old wounds held in the body. It takes courage to begin the journey of healing and maybe some curiosity about what is possible. How could life be different? I couldn’t help Odin, but I might be able to help you.
Comments